Here we are. Day one hundred. Jobless and "searching for God knows what" for one hundred days. This post is kind of long and a bit scattered, but stay with me. It's amazing, you know.. the search. I went out to find out what more this world has to offer than 60 hour work weeks and an education that put me to sleep and friends that never let me down but who I seemed to let down constantly. I went out to really just live life and love it. And let me tell you, I did. What did it cost me? Well, the rest of the money that I had saved up.. but money comes and goes, it really does. I'm okay with having no money. It's humbling in an odd kind of way, I began to appreciate it - the fact that I'm still surviving. Day by day by day and not even close to going hungry.
It seems that we are all on some kind of a search - I mean we have to be, right? We're always fighting, frustrated, and lost. I met a lot of people on that same search. Turns out, they weren't too far from me to begin with. Unhappy people searching for happiness. Tired people searching for rest. Confused people searching for direction, man, the list goes on. But as hard as it is to believe, I found it.. The thing is, what I found was incomparable to anything I could have imagined. It is not something that I went out and found. It's more like it found me. Hang tight for a second.
The beauty in what I found was that no matter what i did, no matter how far I went how much I continued to travel, to drive, to spend. No matter how many friends I had, books I read, no matter how many deep conversations I engaged in and coffee shops I explored, nothing could have convinced me about what I was about to find. And you're probably not going to like it. Or think it's too simple..But I don't care.. this is too important.. it's too TRUE and too ESSENTIAL to give up or forgo mentioning. And here it is. All along..
I found peace. It's incredible. Trust me this is not the same peace that I thought I knew either. But here's how I got it - every single moment of every day. Every step I took, every breath, every mile I drove, every conversation I had, every relationship that changed, everyone I saw, all the hurt I felt, all the hurt I imposed.. I just prayed. I let this be my life. And my direction. And now, I struggle to press on, but I know.. that THIS .. IS.. IT. Try it. Not for things that you need but for thing's that other people need, and for things you hope for, things that you take for granted EVERY DAY. That's what I gained, and what I learned?
It's about other people. SO much more than it's about ourself. No way to make you understand this. But if we stop living for ourselves and live for others (in doing so, serving God), we are LIGHT! Try turning life around and serving others for a change instead of your own selfish lives (myself included)!!
And that's it. It was so simple. I thank you for embarking on this journey with me from start to finish. I pray that you have learned things with me and put new things in practice as well. Let's Love Life and People. If we don't, who will!?
Pray&Love&Live.
PEACE, Nel.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
DAY.NINETY-SIX> The essentiality of Familiarity.
I’ve found a secret beauty in the familiar. When visiting a new place or uprooting your life and moving somewhere new altogether, part of us looks forward to starting all over, clean slate and all. But then have you noticed that another part of us will ALWAYS rejoice when we see someone we know, even if for a brief second? Suddenly the newness of it all loses its appeal and we become lost in the familiar. I’ve been looking for a place to feel at home in Langhorne that is not my dorm or at the library. Yes, I’ve been looking for a coffee-shop type place that I can sit and do my work and do and know the people that study around me as well as the people that work there. I long for a Sonoma.
A Starbucks will more than suffice. I searched and searched. Target’s Starbucks. Oxford valley mal’s Starbucks. Genuardi’s? Starbucks. No stand alone stores. Until now. I held out on fake Starbucks until now. and being here is being home in many ways. While I may not know anybody here, I relish in the fact that I know how it is set up, how to order my drinks, that it is a very peaceful place to be.
The décor is just to delightful in the light of strangeness. It’s odd isn’t it? How we want to get away so often. Different state, different country, and no matter what, we always look for something that is familiar to us just so we can say “Hey, I have that where I’m from..” I think change is good, but let’s not lose sight of how important everything around us is right now. Being a “regular” somewhere, has a whole new meaning to me now. I’m thinking there’s a lesson to be learned in all this.
At some point in your life I’m sure you’ve said “I can’t wait to get out of here.” And hey, I don’t blame you. But the thing is.. right now, YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE! Ah, you only live here right now, especially if you want to get out. Don’t waste time complaining about being where you are but ENJOY it! Enjoy the same coffee, the same people, the same cars and traffic. It’s a point in your life. Just one. There will be PLENTY of time for new things later. Remember – new things get old, and old things can seem new. Appreciate where you are in life, where you live, and fall in love the impossible frustrations that bog you down cause wow, you really won’t get them back!
A Starbucks will more than suffice. I searched and searched. Target’s Starbucks. Oxford valley mal’s Starbucks. Genuardi’s? Starbucks. No stand alone stores. Until now. I held out on fake Starbucks until now. and being here is being home in many ways. While I may not know anybody here, I relish in the fact that I know how it is set up, how to order my drinks, that it is a very peaceful place to be.
The décor is just to delightful in the light of strangeness. It’s odd isn’t it? How we want to get away so often. Different state, different country, and no matter what, we always look for something that is familiar to us just so we can say “Hey, I have that where I’m from..” I think change is good, but let’s not lose sight of how important everything around us is right now. Being a “regular” somewhere, has a whole new meaning to me now. I’m thinking there’s a lesson to be learned in all this.
At some point in your life I’m sure you’ve said “I can’t wait to get out of here.” And hey, I don’t blame you. But the thing is.. right now, YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE! Ah, you only live here right now, especially if you want to get out. Don’t waste time complaining about being where you are but ENJOY it! Enjoy the same coffee, the same people, the same cars and traffic. It’s a point in your life. Just one. There will be PLENTY of time for new things later. Remember – new things get old, and old things can seem new. Appreciate where you are in life, where you live, and fall in love the impossible frustrations that bog you down cause wow, you really won’t get them back!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
DAY.EIGHTY-FOUR> News: the same yesterday and today but forever?
The first half of this post is just plain sad, but don't worry there is a point.
The news is a big turn off. When people said all you see are murder, accidents, and depressing stories, I thought they were exaggerating. Until I started watching the news while running on a treadmill trying to keep my mind off of how boring running is. I was depressed! I had to turn away, it literally was one bad story after another and then the weather man comes on. Surely, he would lighten up the mood a little bit, right? Wrong! He told me it was going to be freezing all week with a chance of snow at some point. Ridiculous! How was it possible that everything seemed to be going wrong and nothing seemed to be going right? How was it that all we shown was the bad, the negative, the convicts? Were these things that interested us? Perhaps not, but these stories always got the most attention because it brought to light the wrong, the suffering, the shame of other people and also showed how twisted this world had become. And I started thinking...
What if this is how WE projected OUR lives to other people? What if our lives were one big news show? What would we be showing? What is it that we would be talking about? Would we be talking about how many things are good in our life or how many things are bad? I think we secretly know the answer deep down inside because it is innate in us to complain, to not be content with the things that are actually GOOD in our lives. You know, the fact that we're alive and healthy and have enough money to feed and clothe ourselves and even have a place to stay at night? WHAT IS THE MESSAGE WE ARE SENDING TO THE PEOPLE WE SEE EVERYDAY? Do they even need a remote to get their fix of sadness? ARE WE dancing in the rain? Or are we just mad at the fact that it is raining? Here is some proof that there IS some good going on in the world.
A few news headlines taken from CNN.com:
1. "Grammy winner Alicia Keys helps build clinics and provide medicine for families dealing with AIDS in Africa."
2. "Sarah Palin's TV deal a political sign?" (oh boy..)
3. "McGwire admits steroid use"
well this is umm... moving on.....
The news is a big turn off. When people said all you see are murder, accidents, and depressing stories, I thought they were exaggerating. Until I started watching the news while running on a treadmill trying to keep my mind off of how boring running is. I was depressed! I had to turn away, it literally was one bad story after another and then the weather man comes on. Surely, he would lighten up the mood a little bit, right? Wrong! He told me it was going to be freezing all week with a chance of snow at some point. Ridiculous! How was it possible that everything seemed to be going wrong and nothing seemed to be going right? How was it that all we shown was the bad, the negative, the convicts? Were these things that interested us? Perhaps not, but these stories always got the most attention because it brought to light the wrong, the suffering, the shame of other people and also showed how twisted this world had become. And I started thinking...
What if this is how WE projected OUR lives to other people? What if our lives were one big news show? What would we be showing? What is it that we would be talking about? Would we be talking about how many things are good in our life or how many things are bad? I think we secretly know the answer deep down inside because it is innate in us to complain, to not be content with the things that are actually GOOD in our lives. You know, the fact that we're alive and healthy and have enough money to feed and clothe ourselves and even have a place to stay at night? WHAT IS THE MESSAGE WE ARE SENDING TO THE PEOPLE WE SEE EVERYDAY? Do they even need a remote to get their fix of sadness? ARE WE dancing in the rain? Or are we just mad at the fact that it is raining? Here is some proof that there IS some good going on in the world.
A few news headlines taken from CNN.com:
1. "Grammy winner Alicia Keys helps build clinics and provide medicine for families dealing with AIDS in Africa."
2. "Sarah Palin's TV deal a political sign?" (oh boy..)
3. "McGwire admits steroid use"
well this is umm... moving on.....
DAY.EIGHTY-THREE> I enjoy my showers.
Yes, day eighty three. I think I came to a realization. No, I know i did. I realized I'm stuck in a world of perpetual thought. Also, I am leaving NY. There was a time in life where my head was pretty empty. I found myself being a drone to the day and thinking about nothing. It really was empty. After that came a time of rapid fire doing where thoughts rushed my head at a hundred miles an hour. Where are you with this? Now, I finally think it has balanced out to a steady flow of thoughts. These thoughts range from how the earth is floating in space suspended next to 8 (or 7, depending on what generation you're from), different planets to why ice cream tastes so good when you sprinkle those little rainbow sprinkles on them, especially the ones from Carvel. It is a good place to be as it forces me to continue to write and live and wonder. While thinking is important, not thinking is just as important. Your mind needs time to unwind, relax, and vent. shower, drive, and workout. That's where those three come in play for me. What do you think about when you shower? When you drive? When you're not doing anything?
And now the whole NY thing. I LOVE NY. The people, the sleeplessness, the busy lifestyle we tend to lead. I think its one of the friendliest place in the world. Okay maybe not the world, but still. After 83 days of searching, I might have found what I am looking for in the community that is waiting to be created at PBU. Amazed that there are 6 days left till the move and bewildered what life is going to be like without seeing the people I love the most each and everyday, I take this step with anything but boldness but with a certain faith that life really IS meant to be lived out doing what makes us happy and what really makes us happy, like an eternally joyful happy must come by serving the ONE who created Us. Things are going to change but why can't change always be for the better? Let's be real - its 2010. And its going to be awesome.
And now the whole NY thing. I LOVE NY. The people, the sleeplessness, the busy lifestyle we tend to lead. I think its one of the friendliest place in the world. Okay maybe not the world, but still. After 83 days of searching, I might have found what I am looking for in the community that is waiting to be created at PBU. Amazed that there are 6 days left till the move and bewildered what life is going to be like without seeing the people I love the most each and everyday, I take this step with anything but boldness but with a certain faith that life really IS meant to be lived out doing what makes us happy and what really makes us happy, like an eternally joyful happy must come by serving the ONE who created Us. Things are going to change but why can't change always be for the better? Let's be real - its 2010. And its going to be awesome.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
DAY.FIFTY-SIX>I think I need a therapist.
Admiring the beauty of the city makes me realize how much I've forgotten about the beauty on this Island. As I stand outside gazing at the city lights suddenly - don't ask me how - but I notice a type of silence to the city. Yes, it was Tuesday but there seemed something serene about it. As if it was kind of looking for it and suddenly for a brief moment it had found it's silence. Even the city needs to think sometimes. Needs to breathe and take a step back. But so do we.
I'm fascinated by simple things. And confused by things that seem so complex. Simple things meaning the fact that we are alive. Complex things meaning how we make being alive so difficult. I've been thinking a lot about why we live our lives the way we do. You know, the constant struggle for power, money, friends, a higher status in society. And even things like an increasing drain on our emotions - struggling so hard to find that missing peace. Knowing that it is something out of reach but trying ever so hard to grasp it, convinced we know better.
I think that I've become a little detached. I think it's a good thing. Others might not. The thing is, I used to really be a product of society and still am in many ways but I do not want what they tell me to want anymore. I'm not captivated by the same products, money holds no value to me, conversation is lackluster at best. There is a problem somewhere in there and all fingers point to me. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe that's the way to be. All I know is that I have no doubt in my mind why I'm here and what I live for and the picture paints itself another coat, clearer and clearer as the days go by. And it's such a cool thing to watch but a phenomenal thing to be a part of.
I'm fascinated by simple things. And confused by things that seem so complex. Simple things meaning the fact that we are alive. Complex things meaning how we make being alive so difficult. I've been thinking a lot about why we live our lives the way we do. You know, the constant struggle for power, money, friends, a higher status in society. And even things like an increasing drain on our emotions - struggling so hard to find that missing peace. Knowing that it is something out of reach but trying ever so hard to grasp it, convinced we know better.
I think that I've become a little detached. I think it's a good thing. Others might not. The thing is, I used to really be a product of society and still am in many ways but I do not want what they tell me to want anymore. I'm not captivated by the same products, money holds no value to me, conversation is lackluster at best. There is a problem somewhere in there and all fingers point to me. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe that's the way to be. All I know is that I have no doubt in my mind why I'm here and what I live for and the picture paints itself another coat, clearer and clearer as the days go by. And it's such a cool thing to watch but a phenomenal thing to be a part of.
Monday, November 30, 2009
DAY.FORTY-ONE>It's a bird, it's a plane... no.. its SUPERMAN!
Still alive and kicking, I'm sure you were wondering. I've been a little lost lately mainly in eager anticipation of what lies ahead but in doing so I feel like I started to rush things a little bit and am now caught in sort of a limbo. The future now seems more exciting than the present. What a scary thought! To think that I'm missing out on the beauty that surrounds me right now only to wait in eagerness of what's coming up!?! That can't be right. I think I've been missing the point for the last two weeks. I've been talking to some great people, going some great places and making sure my days are chock full of stuff that keep me awake and moving but while doing this I kind of felt the energy get drained out of my system big time. I wondered why that was and then I realized I was Superman.
Ok, maybe I don't have super-human strength, the x-ray vision, or the ability to fly (haven't tested that one yet though honestly), but Superman gets his strength from the yellow sun. And I think that's where I get mine too. I think the sun gives way to life for me. It gives me reason to keep running to keep believing, striving, and living. Stop me when you've figured out the metaphor. But on the other hand it really IS that simple - being outside revitalizes my soul. Re-enegerizes my mind. So all this to say/ask...
What does it for you? What is something you can do or where is somewhere you can go anytime of day and you feel refreshed? I feel like we all have something in mind. And if you don't, I really believe it is something seriously worth considering. After all, the best path to self-discovery is self-examination right? And maybe by asking a few of the easier questions, you will find answers that will save you time in the long run. You have had the longest day - you have no recollection of how the hours have passed by so quickly. What is your escape? Do you call it a night? Or do you choose to live the next few hours out and make them your best? Don't let days pass you by without even a fleeting thought of what more you can get out of that day.
Squeeze the life out of EVERY single day!!
Ok, maybe I don't have super-human strength, the x-ray vision, or the ability to fly (haven't tested that one yet though honestly), but Superman gets his strength from the yellow sun. And I think that's where I get mine too. I think the sun gives way to life for me. It gives me reason to keep running to keep believing, striving, and living. Stop me when you've figured out the metaphor. But on the other hand it really IS that simple - being outside revitalizes my soul. Re-enegerizes my mind. So all this to say/ask...
What does it for you? What is something you can do or where is somewhere you can go anytime of day and you feel refreshed? I feel like we all have something in mind. And if you don't, I really believe it is something seriously worth considering. After all, the best path to self-discovery is self-examination right? And maybe by asking a few of the easier questions, you will find answers that will save you time in the long run. You have had the longest day - you have no recollection of how the hours have passed by so quickly. What is your escape? Do you call it a night? Or do you choose to live the next few hours out and make them your best? Don't let days pass you by without even a fleeting thought of what more you can get out of that day.
Squeeze the life out of EVERY single day!!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
DAY.TWENTY-SEVEN> Cleetus must die
I got lost for the past 6 days. That is why there are no posts. I found myself today. I know, I'm happy too. We can learn so much about ourselves just by listening to other people. As I sit down and talk to old friends there seems to be a new attitude that has changed the way I listen. I think sometimes the best of friends need not say a word but listen intently. I have been listening to the pain in voices with my heart and it breaks. I have been fascinated by the life my peers and closest friends live. Most are content and are happy. There are a few that I listen to however, more acquaintances than friends, that have a disillusioned life that tells them they are doing just fine when it is so clearly the opposite. What are we listening with? Let's listen with our hearts not with our heads. It makes a difference.
I have spent more $ on my car than it is worth - probably twice the value at which I had originally bought it. It broke down again a few days ago. I am currently experiencing life without a car and with little money. I was stressed for a few hours. And I didn't like it even a little bit so I took a trip to Starbucks (I was driven), which is my favorite place in the world. It's really not Starbucks itself. I believe it to be the cafe-type environment that I tend to fall in love with. Something about the fact that I can read books while enjoying a hot latte in the midst of at least 10-20 people doing the same thing but in all different types of situations really makes me think about a lot. And it sure does give me peace.
I thought about it for a while and it went back to living a day at a time. Going back to the very basics! the root of it all! Learning to trust and have faith like I have never had before! When I thought about it that way I got excited. It's confusing but it is all going to workout. We have times like this to prepare us for the next big thing. We have times like this because we are being strengthened and tested. I want to come out tried and true. It's scary. It's stressful at times. It really makes you questions decisions you have made. But no regrets. I choose to live my life that way. It's simple and lends itself to an eternal peace, joy, and satisfaction. Going back to a previous post - this is a storm. I'm going to dance through it...
PS. Cleetus is my car.
I have spent more $ on my car than it is worth - probably twice the value at which I had originally bought it. It broke down again a few days ago. I am currently experiencing life without a car and with little money. I was stressed for a few hours. And I didn't like it even a little bit so I took a trip to Starbucks (I was driven), which is my favorite place in the world. It's really not Starbucks itself. I believe it to be the cafe-type environment that I tend to fall in love with. Something about the fact that I can read books while enjoying a hot latte in the midst of at least 10-20 people doing the same thing but in all different types of situations really makes me think about a lot. And it sure does give me peace.
I thought about it for a while and it went back to living a day at a time. Going back to the very basics! the root of it all! Learning to trust and have faith like I have never had before! When I thought about it that way I got excited. It's confusing but it is all going to workout. We have times like this to prepare us for the next big thing. We have times like this because we are being strengthened and tested. I want to come out tried and true. It's scary. It's stressful at times. It really makes you questions decisions you have made. But no regrets. I choose to live my life that way. It's simple and lends itself to an eternal peace, joy, and satisfaction. Going back to a previous post - this is a storm. I'm going to dance through it...
PS. Cleetus is my car.
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