DAY.FIFTY-SIX>I think I need a therapist.

Admiring the beauty of the city makes me realize how much I've forgotten about the beauty on this Island. As I stand outside gazing at the city lights suddenly - don't ask me how - but I notice a type of silence to the city. Yes, it was Tuesday but there seemed something serene about it. As if it was kind of looking for it and suddenly for a brief moment it had found it's silence. Even the city needs to think sometimes. Needs to breathe and take a step back. But so do we.

I'm fascinated by simple things. And confused by things that seem so complex. Simple things meaning the fact that we are alive. Complex things meaning how we make being alive so difficult. I've been thinking a lot about why we live our lives the way we do. You know, the constant struggle for power, money, friends, a higher status in society. And even things like an increasing drain on our emotions - struggling so hard to find that missing peace. Knowing that it is something out of reach but trying ever so hard to grasp it, convinced we know better.

I think that I've become a little detached. I think it's a good thing. Others might not. The thing is, I used to really be a product of society and still am in many ways but I do not want what they tell me to want anymore. I'm not captivated by the same products, money holds no value to me, conversation is lackluster at best. There is a problem somewhere in there and all fingers point to me. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe that's the way to be. All I know is that I have no doubt in my mind why I'm here and what I live for and the picture paints itself another coat, clearer and clearer as the days go by. And it's such a cool thing to watch but a phenomenal thing to be a part of.

DAY.FORTY-ONE>It's a bird, it's a plane... no.. its SUPERMAN!

Still alive and kicking, I'm sure you were wondering. I've been a little lost lately mainly in eager anticipation of what lies ahead but in doing so I feel like I started to rush things a little bit and am now caught in sort of a limbo. The future now seems more exciting than the present. What a scary thought! To think that I'm missing out on the beauty that surrounds me right now only to wait in eagerness of what's coming up!?! That can't be right. I think I've been missing the point for the last two weeks. I've been talking to some great people, going some great places and making sure my days are chock full of stuff that keep me awake and moving but while doing this I kind of felt the energy get drained out of my system big time. I wondered why that was and then I realized I was Superman.

Ok, maybe I don't have super-human strength, the x-ray vision, or the ability to fly (haven't tested that one yet though honestly), but Superman gets his strength from the yellow sun. And I think that's where I get mine too. I think the sun gives way to life for me. It gives me reason to keep running to keep believing, striving, and living. Stop me when you've figured out the metaphor. But on the other hand it really IS that simple - being outside revitalizes my soul. Re-enegerizes my mind. So all this to say/ask...

What does it for you? What is something you can do or where is somewhere you can go anytime of day and you feel refreshed? I feel like we all have something in mind. And if you don't, I really believe it is something seriously worth considering. After all, the best path to self-discovery is self-examination right? And maybe by asking a few of the easier questions, you will find answers that will save you time in the long run. You have had the longest day - you have no recollection of how the hours have passed by so quickly. What is your escape? Do you call it a night? Or do you choose to live the next few hours out and make them your best? Don't let days pass you by without even a fleeting thought of what more you can get out of that day.

Squeeze the life out of EVERY single day!!

DAY.TWENTY-SEVEN> Cleetus must die

I got lost for the past 6 days. That is why there are no posts. I found myself today. I know, I'm happy too. We can learn so much about ourselves just by listening to other people. As I sit down and talk to old friends there seems to be a new attitude that has changed the way I listen. I think sometimes the best of friends need not say a word but listen intently. I have been listening to the pain in voices with my heart and it breaks. I have been fascinated by the life my peers and closest friends live. Most are content and are happy. There are a few that I listen to however, more acquaintances than friends, that have a disillusioned life that tells them they are doing just fine when it is so clearly the opposite. What are we listening with? Let's listen with our hearts not with our heads. It makes a difference.

I have spent more $ on my car than it is worth - probably twice the value at which I had originally bought it. It broke down again a few days ago. I am currently experiencing life without a car and with little money. I was stressed for a few hours. And I didn't like it even a little bit so I took a trip to Starbucks (I was driven), which is my favorite place in the world. It's really not Starbucks itself. I believe it to be the cafe-type environment that I tend to fall in love with. Something about the fact that I can read books while enjoying a hot latte in the midst of at least 10-20 people doing the same thing but in all different types of situations really makes me think about a lot. And it sure does give me peace.

I thought about it for a while and it went back to living a day at a time. Going back to the very basics! the root of it all! Learning to trust and have faith like I have never had before! When I thought about it that way I got excited. It's confusing but it is all going to workout. We have times like this to prepare us for the next big thing. We have times like this because we are being strengthened and tested. I want to come out tried and true. It's scary. It's stressful at times. It really makes you questions decisions you have made. But no regrets. I choose to live my life that way. It's simple and lends itself to an eternal peace, joy, and satisfaction. Going back to a previous post - this is a storm. I'm going to dance through it...

PS. Cleetus is my car.

DAY.TWENTY-ONE> Let's give 'em somethin' to talk about!

Sanjaya Malakar's hit cover "Let's give 'em somethin' to talk about" took the country for an emotional roller coaster. Why? I really could not tell you. For some reason this song was stuck in my head today and so I am writing about it. Well, not really but just one line. Today was a day that was draining. Meeting up with old friends is great. When conversation is intense every single time, it is draining. But fulfilling. I was thinking more about the stuff we talk about everyday - listening in on other peoples conversations on the subway, at Starbucks, on lines (what? you do it too!) - it amazes me at how little we care to find out about each other. And when we do, I'm stunned at how many people talk about school and work like it is their life.

I feel like we are trying to hide something. I'm not sure if it is shame, pride, some type of embarrassment that keeps us hidden in the dark but we are always dodging the bullet. We are scared to talk about real things. We stick to safety topics like cars and sports and weather and school and work and other people. These topics are safe. What are the risky ones? Well self, mind, body, soul. You know, the stuff that stays with you. the stuff that affects you. The stuff that actually matters. All this involves vulnerability though. something we are not willing to be. That's fine.

I'm challenged to give them something to talk about. I'm curious to see what would happen not if we stopped asking questions, but we started asking the RIGHT questions. What would it look like if I wanted to know what you thought about this idea. Or if you'd be willing to help with this event. What are you going through right now? What are you pursuing? What do you hate a lot? What do you love a lot? Where have these questions gone? I'm not too sure.

I think the world would be more interesting. More transparent, for sure. And I think this would make people love other people more. Yea, maybe one of the key factors in being able to love someone is being open with them and having them being open with you and knowing you won't judge. People are scared about being judged. I'm not too sure why - it's like their peers are their jury. What the jury says goes. It's not supposed to be like that. I think we should learn how to love more. I think its the answer to world peace. I think it could work.

DAY.TWENTY> New York, New York

A day unlike no other. Set apart from the rest. One place that can really make my day shine and illuminate it literally and figuratively. Really no place in the world like it (from what I've seen so far).. They say if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. I believe that to be true. When people say "the city" it's obvious which one they are talking about. No other place quite measures up to New York. A melting pot in its own for its cultures, traditions, languages, employment, food, and adventure. Millions jam packed into a few avenues and streets! Truly this atmosphere must be created due to that very fact. As I stepped out of my car parked on 2nd ave I had to get to the very corner to even realize this. I was there. I hadn't been in a while like this at night but there I was. Looking up to the never-ending buildings and shielding my eyes from the lights that line the streets that need no streetlights. I was being welcomed by the air which at 8pm was cooler and crisper than it had been all day but was just the way I liked it.

I wondered if everyone had a place like this. What do you think yours is? A place where you can go and get away if only for a little while. A place that welcomes you and you feel like you're on top of the world - maybe that you can go and think or just let loose and let your worries slip away. I think we need that. I think it is important that we know this about ourselves. Sounds strange but isn't it important to know these things about ourselves? We might never think of it. But I'd like to know what makes me tick so I can watch out for those things. What makes me happy, so I can pursue those. And where I'd go to let go! Can you answer these questions?

DAY.NINETEEN> Wasted.

I just recently re-joined the gym and it has been great. Waking up feeling like I have a bag of bricks on top of me and having limited range of motion for 2 days after is the way to go. Certainly a feeling I have missed. It is actually the only thing I did today aside from dinner with a good friend. As I barely got through my day I started thinking about what I was doing that day and for once, I felt it did not amount to much. Ever have those days where you feel like all you do is just sit there? Or watch TV or what have you? Well I started wondering about that and then all the things that I had been learning and the ideas and my day certainly did not resonate.

How many times have we heard the phrase "Live each day as it is your last?" Hey, I'm all for that methodology/way of life whatever you want to call it, but do we mean it? What would it look like if we really did live each day as if it were our last? I think we would have a new zest for life. I think we'd enjoy the simple things while appreciating other people and our surroundings a whole lot more. I think that it would show us that life really is short. I know people say "you only live once" and use that as an excuse for all the crap they find themselves doing. I'll promote that saying but with an addendum - "you only live once, live right". Not too far-fetched is it? I don't think so.

Maybe I'm crazy (it might be so). But I don't believe in wasted days. I think the last thing I ever want to share with someone is saying that I wasted today. I did nothing. I was selfish - I kept to myself. I guess what I am struggling with is that if we have the potential to call everyday "successful" or to see the beauty in it or in other people then why don't we? If we have the chance to take a risk, then let's take it. A new challenge? Opportunity? Friendship? I'm on board. I'm not about to live the rest of my life as if I'm wasted...

DAY.EIGHTEEN> Hello, Zdravo, Hej, Xin Chao, Hola, Bonjour!!

So I have realized that I've been thrown from the world of retail - from seeing hundreds sometimes thousands of people on a daily basis... to seeing about 10-20. MAN that can really play mind games with you. I start talking to myself sometimes. Just kidding.. Hmm.. Anyways, amazing thing about retail is that it forces you to be a people person. One has no choice but to speak. Speaking I think is one of the most incredible things we are capable of. To be able to put words together and communicate to each other what we want, how we feel, offer guidance and probably a few more not so nice ones. I was at Starbucks on line, and one older man in a leather jacket in front of me. Even with a leather jacket I realize you can still have a calmly appearance to you and a gentle look. Not that I was looking... But this woman who was probably in her 50's although the point of the surgeries and the botox was aimed at making her look around 40 (she wasn't fooling me!).. she goes ahead and asks the man a question and then proceeds to go right up to the barista and order her drink. Possible reactions? Numerous. I looked at the man and smiled as he remarked on the arrogance of some people. I agreed and added that people have the capability of being extremely impolite. We shook hands, introduced ourselves and continued to talk for ten minutes about anything. It was good but it really got me thinking..

What if we have found ourselves in an age of complete social exclusivity and disconnectivity? I think its amazing how we can pass by people and not say a word. As if we were from two different planets or as if we acknowledged the invisible social barriers that trapped us from one another. Where is the rule that says the man in the suit cannot associate with the teen in the t-shirt? What's the rule that says ANYBODY can't talk to ANYBODY?? I think we are a scarred species in that we have taken for granted the amount of social communication possible and reduced it to socio-economic statures and money, and business. It amazes me to watch people following the theory "Look out for #1".. that is to say, look out for yourself. I bet that person is dead. Why do we always look out for ourselves? What about our brother, our sister - no, not blood related. The brother you pass on the street, the sister that pours you that cup of delicious coffee. What happened to our race? Why is it so hard to simply say hello anymore? I IMPLORE you to start up a conversation this week. Not up for it? Okay - say hello to someone, in whatever language you want!! What do you possibly have to lose? You've said hello and possibly brightened up somebody's day. I'm not too sure what else would be worth but I'm certain that I have nothing to lose.

Search with me, let's try it.

DAY.SEVENTEEN> Twenty-two thousand books

I was at Stony Brook recently and first of all man, do I miss that place. I've always said "college was great, but classes always seemed to get in the way." Many people would yell at me for that statement. Like my mom. But I found a certain peace at Stony Brook that has only recently found its way back to me. Or maybe the other way around, not the point. I was around a little earlier than I needed to be and so I stopped at the place I always stop at to kill time - Borders. I know there is some kind of battle between which bookstore is better (well, in some world there is..) Borders or Barnes? They each have distinct difference. They both carry books though, and that is always a good thing. Winner? You decide. So as I was sifting through the books realizing I don't have money to buy one right now (that's OK, I'm in the middle of about three separate ones) I picked one up and then it was as if picking that book up made me remember to stop. So I stopped. And I took in the moment and my surroundings and the people and it was cool. I saw people drooling over recipe handbooks, the intellectuals thinking deeply into the book they had just picked up and that was it for then because it really wasn't too crowded. I noticed the kids making a scene in the child play area and then I noticed something bigger - I was in a book store. I know, I know.. amazing.

But as I looked around I saw (yes, books..) but thousands upon thousands and i wondered just how many books were in this store. And so I started wondering about how many pages were torn, drafts edited, tears shed, wisdom spread, money spent, and ink printed to get all these books into circulation. And it brought me to the idea of the authors. I can see them now sitting there on a stool composing a story of what was important to their life. Each one offering hope and promise in the fact that he or she could offer something unique. Something different. With thousands of books wouldn't some repeat? No, not so much because the author knows or knew that every single person has a story. No two stories or perspectives were going to be alike. Each one of those books have been read and in being read, have in some small way touched someones heart, changed someones life, taught someone something new, or took that person to a place they have been longing to go whether and for right now could only go in their imagination. But that's okay because I believe imagination is one of God's greatest gifts to us.

Everybody has a story to tell. It bothers me to my very core that some feel like not telling theirs. And it frustrates me that we are not too curious either. Each book read becomes a part of you, with every story shared your mind is refreshed, renewed, or even challenged. We have stories to share. We also have ears to listen. There are about 22,000 undergrads at Stony Brook. How many are at your school? How many at work? How many stories do you know? I am so sorry for you if it's just your own. Let it not be true.

DAY.SIXTEEN> What's my age again?

My eyes burn through this screen that pushes back with its dim glow. My fingers trip over keys as I try to form words and thoughts without getting distracted or falling asleep. It has been a day of walking with thousands of people not knowing who any of them are. A day of noticing what irks some people and what makes others laugh. It's been a day of truly knowing what Yankee pride was as I attended, with my brother the Yankee Parade in NYC this morning. Hundreds of thousands gathered to celebrate the fact that a sports team won a competition. Don't get me wrong, I am not underplaying it. But being there, seeing literally hundreds of thousands of people was simply overwhelming. Sick days must have shot up today schools wondering why. Work places planned a Monday-Thursday work week in hopes of the inevitable actually coming to life.

I saw with my little brother on that subway train starting at 179th st station, moving towards the city getting more jam packed as each stop rolled on. We talked and laughed and took comedic relief in the actions and words of others as well. Strolling in were children from age 1 and older. "Die-hard" fans ranged from 10-70 years of age. A truly incredible script must have been written for these many to show. A new generation was in the making and as we sat on our multi-colored seats and talked about life. The conversation led me to say that a lot of times especially in high school and college I felt a little older than I was and now that I am out I feel sort of younger, I asked my bro what he thought and he replied "I don't really feel an age..."

How simple! What if age really is just a number? What if it is really not good for anything? What if we, for years and years been letting age be what defines us? When's the last time you said "I'm too old for this?" Recently, I bet. What if that wasn't true? Who tells you that you are too old? I think life would be a lot more enjoyable if we didn't think about what we were and weren't allowed to enjoy at this spot in our lives. I'm not sure when that became okay to feel old or feel young but I'm guessing more people want to feel younger than older and hey I say one of the only ways to do this is to embrace the fact that age is just a number and continue to do the things YOU want to and not let it be determined by some social class division that gives you a number, almost as to tell you where you need to be when you are 18. 20. 25. 40... and so on.

Put down the calendar, forget about your birthday and start celebrating everyday of your life, and you start not caring so much about age and more about the fact that you are loving the heck out of life right NOW. How dare we put limits on life.

DAY.FIFTEEN> Keeping Jack in His Box

Today was a pretty cool day I think. Something that has happened over the last few days I have noticed is that at Day One, I would go ahead and write about things that I learned - nothing has changed except for one thing which has. The past few days, I have picked up on so much more than one lesson a day. Some I go looking for, others find me and it is simply amazing what newness life has to offer when we offer ourselves to it. As I go to get into my car, my first breath makes me realize and truly capture the environment around me - sort of an empty road, driveways indicating people are at work, the quiet telling me that children are at school, and the coldness that sinks to my lungs shows me that indeed it is 9am on an average fall morning. I was speaking to one of my friends earlier this week and only had a chance to reflect on it today. I was thinking about a lot today and this idea kept popping into my head. We were talking about taking chances on new ideas and I thought to myself - isn't it cool how we has humans can formulate new ideas? I think that is remarkable that with everything that has already been done that we can think of newer things and more creative things. Anyways, point being - what if we ran with it?

I think we think inside the box too much. Okay, yes this is a cliche the whole "think outside the box" thing right? Eh. Do we even know what that means? I think the size of the box is certainly different for everyone. I think the actual box represents a certain train of thought that we all share. I think we each have our closed-off views of reality and normalcy. This presents a problem to creative genius. It presents a problem to the solution. It gives us the problem of mediocrity. It's time to let loose.

I want to ask - I know we all have ideas. Why are we so afraid of letting these ideas out? Why are we stopping the flow of these ideas from our heads to our hands? Are we afraid that they will not work? Let it not be so! Ideas for non-profits, for charitable events, even ideas to help the hungry, lend a hand to the sick, the broken-hearted even. What is the last idea you let slip your mind? When is the last time you stepped up and made a difference? Why are we so naive to think that we can't make a difference with what we have to offer?

The one thing that I need to say is that if we are looking for something in life and know what it is, KNOW that in the end it could be worth it - and KNOW that we need to grab that something and hold onto it. We cannot be afraid - there is too much at stake. Let Jack out of his box.

PS. "Jack" is your idea.

DAY.FOURTEEN> Ripple me this.

I felt weird today. I'm not too sure why, it's not a feeling that I am used to - it's like something in the universe was a little off and everything around me was trying to get me to realize it. But like I said, the past days were overwhelming. I've come to have this time to write and share with you beautiful people to be very consistent in my life. Almost like breathing, well, not really. But getting closer! As I continued my drive to Sturbridge and then back home to New York I realized that I could drive forever. In fact, I sort of want to drive right now. Time almost stands still as I drive now which is great because when I first started out, the clock was my biggest enemy. And it was a small clock, too.

I feel like something was supposed happen today or going to happen soon that will be a defining moment in life maybe not just for me, but for all of us. Maybe there really is something that's going to change. When I was sitting next to the lake in Sturbridge, I saw geese floating on the water, I saw leaves dying and falling off branches, some into water as if water would give them a second chance. I saw a mini acorn fall from a tree branch, way high up and flat onto the water causing ripples. These ripples would not stop for anyone. Once they had started from the middle they would continue until they had done their absolute best to get as far as they could've gotten. See where I am going?

Here it is - I think our lives from what we already know from general knowledge and movies like "The Butterfly Effect", is that the smallest motion, the smallest change, the smallest action can make the biggest difference in how life plays out. There is a quote that has been changed numerous times but goes something like this "The flap of a butterfly’s wings in Brazil can set off a tornado in Texas." Interesting right? Look into it - notice how true or not true it is but understand the meaning behind it. I think we need to be living a little more reckless. Not with the stupid things we do but in the faith that we have. We claim we are not worried and that faith can move mountains but where is the outpouring of that faith?

A reckless faith will bring nations to their knees.

All its going to take is us, as the little acorns to set this off. It's not a fairytale, its not fiction. It is real life. It is a total disregard of ourself in sacrifice for the betterment of other people. A reckless faith means an unconditional love, a sense of urgency, an open mind, and a heart that is willing to listen and serve. We need to stop serving ourselves and realize as Paul tells the Philippians, "regard others as higher than yourselves..."

DAY.THIRTEEN> God.

Boston harbor is a nice place. People are really friendly, maybe cause they are mainly tourists. Boston itself is pretty laid back though. I learned it is home to over 70 different colleges/universities and because of this - the night life rocks - everywhere I looked, college guys and gals. It makes for a competitive yet friendly and relatable environment I feel. Soon as I left Boston I headed over to Sturbridge, MA. This is a place that really took me for a spin. Lying here I am still a bit overwhelmed by the effect this place had on me. It is as if I spent a year in solitude at the base of the water as I sat on the rocks and took it all in. There was much to take in. While I tried to capture my thoughts and feelings in the amount and the quality of the pictures that I took, it was still inadequate. No words could really describe the natural life that was sprouting out of the ground into grass, trees, and forming a gigantic lake. It was perfect. Perfect. That's when I started thinking..

Something has been bothering me. It is deep rooted in my heart, whatever it is. All I can think of is "what are we missing?" We had to be missing something. Christian life seemed too easily lived by the majority and life outside that seemed too simple and pointless. How could I have missed something that was so clearly right in front of me? It's black and white - life, that is. God is a God of perfection. He doesn't leave room for mess-ups or questionable areas. There is no way but His way.

But see, if that is true - then we are lost out of our minds!! We have convinced ourselves that the bare essentials of "living out" a Christian life are enough but there is NO WAY that is true. We are not living it out we are barely even living! God demands much from us and honestly, we just fall short. He requires that sort of perfection because that is how He originally created us - perfect, in His image. So I GOTTA ask - what are we living for?? Why does $ seem not right to have? Why does giving some of our time not seem like enough?

Is it really possible to live this life out of ourselves? It is a literal translation of Luke 9:23 "[DENY yourself, take up your cross DAILY and follow ME!]"

I gotta ask - can't we see? His heart is ACHING for more of ours.

DAY.TWELVE> These shoes ain't meant for hiking

If I were to write a beginners book for hiking my first two rules would have to be 1. Bring water and 2. Buy the right sneakers. don't be wearing sketchers. Needless to say, I learned the hard way. But I guess even that is life - a learning progression. What a day in VT - I'm not going to bore you with details but I can tell you that I drove for hours and stopped at every single spot I wanted to see or get a closer look at. I can confidently say that I took it ALL in, and it was beautiful. From rivers to lakes, to streams and valleys. The sky bright blue bursting with radiant sun and then setting to reveal the lightest array of simple and unusual colors. I saw it all. The evergreens who refused to give way even while they know it's the end for the neighbors and the deer who looked so confused as if she had lost her way in her own backyard. I found a park bench donated by the nice (and talented) kids at the high school in 1965 sitting in the middle of one trail off the path in the best location. I sat on that bench and watched the stream of water flow through the shallow valley. And here I thought and wondered as time seemed to pass, but in a way that was peaceful and almost elegant.

What if we had all the time in the world? What if we hopelessly packed out our days just to feel like we are doing something important? What if instead of doing that, we took the time with the things that we did do? I am at peace at this steam as it flows nonstop but gently, easing its way on the sides of rocks, under logs, carrying fallen leaves from one end to the other some being trapped by natures arms. We all work so hard and carry such a heavy load. What if we sat by and set that load down but if only for a while. What if we believed, like water, we could get through anything? I don't think we need to live such busy lives. In busy-ness we lose the part of our selves that captures awe and that imagines and creates. We lose the sense of adventure and exploration that comes with us free when we are born but that we painlessly and thoughtlessly separate as we grow older.

DAY.ELEVEN> Hit the road, jack

The end of TBE is here and we depart. All day I can think of nothing else but getting on that road and continuing on to Vermont. I'm still not too sure what I'm doing there but I know I'm excited for whatever it is. Saying goodbyes were easy when you know you will speak soon. And so I take off on a scaled down version of my "Alaskan adventure" (reference to "Into the Wild" - if you haven't seen it, you should). Driving has always been fun for me but the first half hour was somewhat painful. I didn't know what it was but suddenly anticipation to arrive was knocking at the door and I can't believe I let it in! Anticipation will ruin you if not handled the right way. How did I handle it? I kicked it out. I started thinking and realizing more and more that carpe diem was old news. Those who know me, know what I'm talking about. It has been about carpe momento for the longest time but I was struggling with it!! Seizing the MOMENT - living for NOW - taking joy in the JOURNEY!! Where had I gone wrong?? I realized I wasn't enjoying myself because thoughts about what I'm going to do next and what road to take next and all that unnecessary stuff started filling my head. NOT TODAY JACK.

I cleared my mind of all that stuff and realized something. If we are living for this minute we are currently in right now nothing else matters. But at the same time I realized something else. IT. IS. HARD! I knew it was never easy but this trip was really making me practice what it meant to live one moment at a time. That's the trick though - practice. It's not a skill that is picked up in a day, but a lifestyle that is perfected over time.

I kept driving, and all of a sudden I was there. The next 2 1/2 hours felt like nothing and I was almost sad to arrive. But hey, Bennington, VT - here I am! Pretty cool feeling being in another state with nobody you know for miles around you. Makes you appreciate your loved ones a lot more. Also really nice trying new foods and meeting people with Vermontian accents. Is that a word?

DAY.TEN> This little light of mine..

The minute I stepped foot outside it was about 8:30am. I was hit with a crisp autumny-winter breeze unmatched by any I had felt all year. The wind was sure of itself and had nothing to hide. The rain however, was afraid to show itself to the hundreds of people that still chose to be outdoors and came down ever so slightly as if it was trying to pour but more than three quarters of the water was being stopped halfway. Now TBE is always an amazing time that needs to be 4 days but is packed into a day and a half. Everything happens today. This morning as I walked towards the lake I see hundreds of students gathered around in prayer. What an awesome thing. Who does that? We believe it .. we act on it. Remember?

Throughout the day there are so many things to learn, so many names to remember, and so many responsibilities to be fulfilled. I've never been great with names but within my group, I picked up the names in a snap. Maybe it was the air. Or not. As I looked around I saw faces a glow with love for each other and a special kind of love for God. It got me thinking.. I'll get to that in a second. Imagine a community - closed off from the outside world (in the middle of nowhere) that said hi to each other in the morning, stopped and introduced themselves randomly, engaged in deep conversations, and loved you for who you are no matter where you were from or what your story is. A community where there is no judging but everyone is constantly looking up to God as to thank Him for being awesome. This is TBE, and I imagine that it is a little piece of heaven.

So I was thinking - why is it that we can be so ON FIRE on place and then go back to "real life" and then be put out so quickly? I think its the people we surround ourselves with but also the distractions that we let enter into our lives. Would you rather live a dim life or a life that shines so brightly that everybody else gets curious and tries to figure out why you are burning? I'd like to shine - here's the thing. We all have a fire within us that can burn, a light that can really shine. The problem is that we hide it!! What a stupid thing to do. Why are we trying to contain a fire? Instead of letting it catch on? (It's a good fire!) Why do we continue to hide this little light..."

DAY.NINE> 2x3x2 = 12 (aka: Dancing with me)

Listening to the alarm on my phone go off after only getting about 3 hours of sleep is one thing. When after 3 hours of sleep it is only 5am, it’s a whole different story. Needless to say, I skipped my run this morning and convinced myself that I needed an extra 45 minutes of sleep. I’m easily convinced. Trudging out of bed I make my way to my car within a half hour and before I even realize, its 6:30am and I'm on the road to The Big Event (TBE) - (IV's tri-state weekend retreat). My car decides it is going to give way by 7am and I'm stuck in an odd predicament. Waiting impatiently at my mechanic's shop wondering when he will show up - as if mechanics have nothing better to do at 7am. After all is said and done I find myself wondering if I should skip this weekend entirely - after all, turns out I wouldn't have my car back till 1. I pay up and 2. about 5pm! As the day progresses I do wonder why something like this would happen and then I realized something that maybe I have been talking about but have not been putting into action. I think we tend to do this a lot. We can believe something firmly but when we act on it, its with half our hearts. I wonder why that is.. Maybe it's just easier to talk than act. yea, that has to be it.

Moving on, I got an email that day from an old friend describing her current situation to me. What I'm about to say was not even the focal point but made me think - what if we paid attention to details a little bit more? So much truth behind the big picture. The sun is nothing without the sky. The sky is just blue without the clouds. The details - a quote from the email was "it's not about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning how to dance in the rain" Enough said? We can't expect anything from life. Sure we can set goals and all that "normal" stuff but I think we are measured as people and really watered and expected to grow from life's uncertainties and those random situations that we never thought possible. Learning how to dance through every situation will give you an unheard of outlook in life and I would love to see a world where that was possible. Dance with me...

12 hours later than scheduled, I arrived at TBE. What an awesome ride up..

DAY.EIGHT> Re-drawn.

I knew this was going to be a late post. Sorry to those avid post-watchers. You are few yet many to me. If that makes sense. It probably doesn't. It's about 2am right now, I'm looking forward to the little shut-eye that I will get. So next time I go to Stony Brook to "hang out" with people - I need to realize that everyone is in class. That's ok though - Border's bookstore has always welcomed me with open arms. And to Border's I went searching for a book to capture my soul and take me away or perhaps dig deep and challenge me. Challenge me it did! I'm low on funds so I couldn't buy it, its the whole "no job" thing. Gets the best of me sometimes. This just hit me while I was driving to Stony Brook. A lot of people have been asking me why I'm taking this time off. The best "common" answer I can give is simply that I can. And that I need to discover what else is out there. I started thinking about all the time we put into work and school and then all the time left for ourselves and this is where my days lesson stemmed....

Before I get into that I do want to point out something that struck my eye while reading Donald Miller's "Searching for God knows what". This is paraphrased in some of my own words from his book and I don't wish to add much onto it already because I feel like it is self explanatory. Here goes. Ready? "[we have a basic human need to discover our identity. It is rooted in our friendships, relationships, in what we do and the content of our conversations. It seems like every human has a need for something outside ourselves to tell us who we are or what we are all about. We lift ourselves up because it is what gives us our value. But it is not going to be others that grant that to us. It is going to be and CAN ONLY be God ]"

Back to what I was saying - we give and give and give part of ourselves to work/school/WHATEVER else! Here is where we run into the problem - if we keep giving don't we eventually run out or burn out? what are we doing to recover that part of ourselves that we continue to give away? How do we recapture that? How are we okay with losing that? We are losing ourselves and not feeling it. We are trapped in a hopeless whirlwind of solitude and we won't even try to reach out. Slowly disappearing we refuse to be re-drawn. We refuse to be re-drawn.

DAY.SEVEN> "This Is It"

Today was the first day with a sufficient amount of downtime. I felt more tired than normal as i paced up and down the stairs back and forth from the kitchen trying to decide whether I am hungry or not. I learned structure today. I realized I have not been and never want to sleep in past 9 or 10 at the latest. I know it seems late, and it is! But to someone who has the opportunity to sleep until 12, it is still fairly early. From the time I wake up until 12 or 1 I want to have breakfast - preferably a cereal of some sort or IHOP, I'm in love with IHOP. I also want to finish up whatever quick errands I have, go for a 1-2 mile run and then be back and ready to go. I got that today. It was a good start.

My lesson today was twofold. I had some car stuff to take care of. I went to my mechanic, driving in the merciless patternless rainfall and was waiting outside because I simply chose to. I was standing there looking at this dark green/teal-ish '92 camry - so simple yet sturdy in design and I was reminded of my first car. After being reminded, I suddenly realized that WAS my car! I sold this car to my mechanic and he re-sold it after some work being done to it and it was back for service. This car brought back memories and it got me thinking..

But before I go into that, opening day of MJ's movie "This Is It." I went to see it with my brother who is a huge fan, and one of his friends. It was more than I expected. In its honesty and candor it should be well noted. But for it's debut, it's marketing, and it's content it should be praised. I have a new appreciation for MJ and his life and music. An honest and caring man, just doing his part to make a change in this world. I sound brainwashed, but I'm not. I simply choose to follow the facts rather than the media. He said that life should be an adventure, and that it takes a lot of endurance, and love. I believe it whole-heartedly. I started to think about that phrase.

So with the car I realized that all good things CAN come to an end, but that is only because new things need to begin. If we are not willing to let go of the past, then what chance do we even have at the future? We think we know what is best because we believe it is what we have now. What if the fact that we only use 10% of our brain meant something to us? All I'm saying is that I realized how important it is to understand that change is a constant part of life and we are given two options. The option to reject the change and desperately and hopelessly hold on to the old things or the option to say Ok, I'm ready - Let's GO!

Here's where the connection comes in. I think life really is supposed to be an adventure. I don't think the fact that billions of people exist here with thousands of animals and languages is an accident. I don't think the fact that there are mountains and canyons, streams and waterfalls, deserts and tundras mean that we are supposed to be still. There is a world outside our own waiting for us, waiting to be taken. We are slow to act and even slower to react. The universe is waiting for us and here we are stuck in . How dare we limit ourselves. Are we LIVING life or GETTING THROUGH life? There's a big difference.

DAY.SIX> Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall...

Been a pretty cool day today. I saw how it was outside but I hardly remember it. I'm sure it was different. This whole week I've noticed has been sort of up and down with weather. It's all the same I suppose at this time of year. I realized a lot today. For one, I noticed that people have a lot to share. There is nothing like listening to someone talk about something they love. I saw this today. When another person is talking about something they are passionate about, watch their eyes light up and their entire persona come alive. It really is an amazing thing. It makes me want to find out what everyone I meet is all about, what each and every one of them indeed do love. Notice their gestures, the flow of the words out of their mouths, not intended to miss a beat - like time is racing against them and they have only a few minutes left to get it all out.

I was talking with a group of people today. And talking in a group of people I feel can be a different experience for each of them. I tend to listen a lot more than I talk in groups whereas one on one I'd probably talk more than I listen.. usually at least. It's always fun to watch how various people address a group though, in groups I feel there is always some type of urgency when something important is being talked about, which is good. Anyway, we were discussing a situation in where we would all have to pick between two choices - starting all over and pressing the restart button, or picking up the pieces from what was left. And this is what I was thinking..

When we dealt with the option of if we could "pick up the pieces", I think the one thing we realized was that there were no pieces left to pick up. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall... blah blah.. couldn't put Humpty together again. What if in this case, Humpty was an idea? I know its weird but maybe certain things in life are not meant to be pieced back together. In tragedy, in unexpected loss, in life and love perhaps there is a point where we are not supposed to try to piece things together again because they are too far removed. What if sometimes we really are supposed to hit the restart button on whatever we are trying to fix? Starting fresh with new ideas, a new perspective, and a new take on how to go about things on a day to day moment to moment basis. Maybe we can forget about the pieces and start re-thinking the big picture. Let's stop trying to put together a 1,000 piece puzzle when there are obviously pieces missing and strive to make a new puzzle, in which we get to pick and choose the amount of pieces that exist and what those pieces look like. Well, that's all for now. I think this post was late.

DAY.FIVE> Genie in a bottle

You're probably wondering about the title of this post. Well, so am I. I'm sure we'll figure it out by the end of this. Five days deep, we seem to be still going strong. Every day continues to bring a new and inspired sense of direction along with an elevated sense of adventure. I was thinking earlier today - is this what I've always wanted to do? Is it everything that I had imagined it to be? Well, if I imagined freedom, an open road, endless possibilities and indulging in those one by one? And if it entailed newness of life and great conversations then well yes. It is what I imagined it to be.

In an average day, people say the phrase "I wish" a lot more often than you would think. Start paying attention to the "I wishes" you encounter everyday. "I wish i could go out tonight"/"I wish i could have done better"/"I wish i knew that"/"I wish i got the job"/"I wish I could do that". LET's focus on the last one for a second - I've been hearing that one a lot lately, can you figure out why? Well I don't feel like going into too much detail about it but it kind of got me thinking.

What if all this wishing came true? A genie is known to grant three wishes. I was wondering.. what if I could come to a point in my life when I finally encountered this genie and when asked for what I wished for, I stood silently partly in awe of the fact that I had found a genie! And partly dumbfounded looking for words to describe what I wished for - when I realized that everything I wanted was here and complete. Everything I had wished for, I had gone out and taken?

Wouldn't that be amazing if you and I could spend our lives starting from this day making things happen instead of wishing they happened? You know, I've come to believe and my belief has solidified in the reality of the fact that the good things in this life were never meant to just happen, but that they are a result of positive and consistent action on our part.

DAY.FOUR> Cohesion!! (High School AP BIO)

Sunday is church day. Plain and simple. I have a traditional service in the morning that I am obligated to go to and then one of my choice at night, I have been going to Centerpoint in Bellmore. It's great - solid music, message, and people. There is a lake right outside the church on Merrick road I've sat at before. I think something about water just fascinates me. I mean God had to LOVE it too if - what is it 70% of the world - is covered with water? When it is raging it is obvious how much damage it can do but when it is still - the power is still there, I can really feel it. It's a simple reality really. So many forms - rain, lakes, oceans, showers, tap water, list can go on. Here is what I was thinking though.

The powerful cohesion of water - together it is so powerful it can carve a path through MOUNTAINS AND STONE ex through the grand canyon, many other places in the world? Like what? well..google it. It's a little something called Erosion. If you don't know what that is well, to be honest I'm really talking to people over 13 years and older here. I'm sorry. So back to this concept - together so powerful, alone so simple. I sit in my car as it rains and watch the water from my windshield form its own identity. It does not care that it is one drop. It is determined to make more of itself by adding more and more to itself and in turn becoming something bigger, with more meaning perhaps - a force to be reckoned with!

Get where I am going yet? I don't think that just because we don't THINK we can do something we shouldn't do it. I think everything is worth a try. I used to have a philosophy that I'd do anything once - my friend introduced me to one that made me want to change that statement to I'll try anything at least twice. Give your situation/cause/drama/relationship a chance - we can't change the world overnight. But we can't give up on these things. They are too important.

I was at the beach today too, and yes - I know it is the end of October. I manned up. What I ended today with was that water is a powerful force. It can teach us a lot. But save yourself the trouble and remember to remind yourself that we have the potential to be the ocean, rapids, the river, the lake, or just the puddle. Which one are you now? Which one do you want to be?

DAY.THREE> Eagles and Emus and Bears, OH MY!

So fairly consistent day three going on here. Got back to NY at about 7am this morning after a night of driving/sleeping (yes while pulled over).. slept for about two hours but who wants to sleep on a Saturday? I know I don't!! Or so i convinced myself. Up and running by 9am headed over to a park. This wasn't an ordinary park. We were going as a group from Stony Brook for one of my closest and dearest friends birthday party. This was an "ecological preserve". I know what you're thinking - what the heck is that?? Well I'm still not too sure yet - but it is well worth the trek out east!

Isn't it cool how one park can be so hidden from man and such a well kept secret from people in community living right next to each other? If you were to be at this park I think you'd agree that this is something you can pass on!! Covering acres and acres of land, it owns to its self a hiking trail about a mile to the top of a hill that overlooks the park itself, a pool, gazebos, and even a walkthrough zoo-type situation.

I'm not a gung-ho animal preservation rights specialist by any means but I must say what they seemed to be doing here was quite spectacular. First of all, the entire park is free. From parking to pools to the zoo! Animals hurt lost or abandoned taken in and cared for. I looked at all of them big and small and that is where my lesson came from.

These creatures are God's creation! They are so beautiful. Each one unique and mystifying in it's own essence. Our presence excited some scared others. If I may draw the parallel here - if animals can do that to us, and still seem content and curious, why on earth are WE as individuals not necessarily as unique and mystifying as they? Meaning - what about me, what about you sets us apart from everybody else? What is one thing we are proud to call our own? An accomplishment? a skill set? A state of mind/being? What is it?? If we don't know it then why not?

As we walked through, we saw the goats, were drawn to the llamas, and were in awe of the bald eagle that despite some spoken beliefs, are indeed found across the states, not just new jersey. The bear was calm and the bull looked fierce. Each one had something to offer the animal world and in that, the completion became perfect. Nature took its course as each one carried out its part in doing whatever they did best.

We are meant to stand hands held high in realization of what we are. Different is new, different is good. Different needs to be done. And I'll sign off by saying that I DARE YOU to be nothing but YOURSELF today. Let's stop hiding in shadows, lurking in the darkness. Do we dare stand out? Stand out and look at what that does for you, for others... Time to be free and be a part of the perfection that is before us.

DAY.TWO> Hayrides and Pumpkin picking

Second day of this journey and its all warm-hearted laughs and un-faked smiles. A group of 7. We knew there was a concert to go to at night which was sure to be a hit but instead of packing the day out with a ton of routine activities, I was invited to go for a hayride and go pumpkin picking. Corny? Yea well I thought so too for a second but I mean thousands of people can' possibly be wrong right? They weren't. We threw on our hoodies, pretended that was enough, and ignored the drizzle as we made our way into a corn maize with the subtle subconscious intent to get lost in it. Why did we want to get lost in it? Hmm...

And get lost we did, escaping just in time to catch the hayride. Well, it was more of just a ride. The hay was non-existent. Going over to the pumpkin fields I thought about how simple this day was and how much it meant to each of us. I thought that if something like this could bring the most real smiles out to the surface and if we could ignore the cold because we absolutely loved the presence of one-anothers company then why couldn't every single day be lived with the intention of enjoying the simplicities of life placed before us in the oddest of ways and times?

We gazed over pumpkins big and small and fought over how they were grown. I claimed my mom had a pumpkin patch in our backyard and was dismissed as a loon. (It IS true, however!) After we each found the "perfect" one, we departed and enjoyed every step that led us back to the warm suv - meant to seat 5, now seating 7. Body heat is under-rated.

I think we all need something to get lost in. I think our souls long for something deeper, more meaningful, and more eternal than the pleasures we sink our teeth into on a day to day basis. I think we long to be somewhere else because it is inherent in us to believe that we are indeed meant for something more - that we are indeed just travelers on this world. What would it look like to be "in this world but not of it?"

DAY.ONE> Life on the open road

So I'm starting this blog because well, I can! I have time on my hands which is something we usually don't have right? Quit my job and I'm on the move, I'm on a search. I don't believe that you can't have a job that you cant love. I don't believe you need to settle for anything less than something that you can wake up and want to do everyday. This is my first day off and my first actual "vacation" if we can call it that, in a while.

I'm on the road today to Philly to visit a couple of close friends. Why some of my closest friends are in Philly is a whole different story. Life is good here - the air is crisp, my windows are rolled down, and the setting sun illuminates the darkest parts of the clouds, giving them light in all different shades. The scenery is breathtaking, but perhaps not in conventional ways. Maybe there are some things we take for granted that have stopped giving us a sense of awe. I wonder how we can re-ignite those senses...

It was a quick three hour drive with music from David Crowder, to Michael Buble and even Paramore. New music is certainly addicting. I enjoyed the ride as I got into the town and noticed that while I have always loved and will always love NYC because of the variety and diversity, maybe Philly had something to offer as well - I had seen it plenty of times before but something was a little different about this time. It seemed more friendly, more quaint, more toned-down. Whatever it was, I was happy to be there.

Going back to our sense of awe, I heard a quote which I really liked and it has been a big influence on my thought process and that is "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the number of moments that take our breath away."